Nothing's Fine, I'm Torn
by helluvagoodtime
Summary: When Blaine takes Kurt on a walk, Kurt has a feeling that something is very wrong with Blaine but he never expected Blaine to break up with him. The story is a first person account from Kurt's point of view. Rated T for a few swear words. One-shot.


Nothing's Fine, I'm Torn

*I do not own Glee or any of the characters. They all belong to the producers.

IMPORTANT! Somethings you should know before you read the story: Blaine and Kurt have stayed together throughout Blaine's senior year at McKinley and Blaine never cheated on Kurt.

So this is how it ends. I didn't think it would be so soon. I mean, I thought Blaine was acting funny but I didn't think he would just leave me like that. Now that it's all over and I've had some time to heal, I can remember some of his subtle warning signs, like the way he would only text me twice a day and how when we were together, I could see his smile fade when he looked away from me. Our last kiss felt so disconnected and short and even awkward. We must have kissed a thousand times but this one felt forced and maybe I should have recognized it. And now I realized why he found his own apartment instead of sharing mine. It wasn't really because his family didn't want him to live with his boyfriend. He didn't want to continue our relationship.

It was a Sunday when he told me we should take a walk. I hadn't seen him for three weeks before that because I was away at a conference with the boss, but now that Blaine had graduated and was in New York, I thought the best year of my life was ahead of me. Blaine had different plans. As we walked through Central Park hand in hand, I could feel a coldness that had nothing to do with the weather. It was coming from Blaine, and the coldness seeped into my soul and warned me that something had changed in Blaine and that he was finally going to tell me what it was.

Blaine broke the silence first. "Kurt, I've had some time to think about our relationship and I'm so sorry, but I don't think it's working. I've had doubts about the long distance for a while and even though I'm going to school here now, I don't think you'll have time for me anyway. You were always so busy with your job last year and you made me feel so neglected. I hated not being able to hold you and make out and stuff, but I really hated the feeling that I wasn't important to you. I should have broken up with you then because of the way you were treating me, but I didn't have the strength to do it. So I stayed with you, but I felt so alone when I talked to you. You didn't seem to care about me. All you cared about was your oh-so-special Vogue job. And frankly, I grew apart from you. Kurt, I don't love you anymore and I haven't for a long time. I'm done with this relationship."

All this time, I listened carefully to every word he said, not believing what I was hearing. I realized that we were still holding hands so I ripped my grip from his and turned to face him while on the verge of tears. I really didn't know what to say at first because all of this came as such a shock. Apart from the small changes in his behavior that I picked up on, I didn't know he felt this way about me for so long.

I suddenly remembered all the Facebook messages, Valentines Day cards and birthday cards that he had written me, promising that he would love me forever, that he would always want me and always be there for me and never leave me. All those promises, all of his words of love were empty and meaningless. He promised we would always be together but I should have realized that young couples in love always say those kinds of things without meaning them. I thought Blaine was different, that he really did mean what he said, but I was wrong.

My brain had shut down with the news that Blaine was breaking up with me. Everyone thought that I was the bitchy one and that if our relationship ever did end, that I would be the one to break his heart. But they were wrong too. I honestly believed that I would spend the rest of my life with Blaine and I loved his so much. His betrayal hurt like hell and I could only think of three words to say to him. "You fucking bastard." With that I turned and ran back to my apartment sobbing the entire way. I locked the door and cried in the bathroom until I collapsed there. I was a pathetic mess and thank God Rachel found me and helped me get into bed or else I would have had to dry clean my sweater to get the wrinkles out.

In hindsight, I realized that the way I reacted was probably not the best way to handle the situation. When I woke up the next morning, I found a note in my mailbox addressed to me in Blaine's handwriting. All it said was _Kurt, call me when you're ready. I know you need to talk this out. I hope we can still be friends. –Blaine._ I was instantly infuriated and devastated as all the emotions of the previous night came rushing back to me. How did he assume that he knew me when I hardly knew him? He didn't have the courtesy to tell me that he thought our relationship was failing until I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't even know him, so he couldn't possibly know me…right? And really freaking Blaine, you still hope I'll be your friend? Well you must be out of your freaking mind. I can't possibly be your friend after all we've been through. I could never think of you as just a friend again. Oh, but I will call you, you just wait.

A week later, after I had gathered my thoughts and planned out what I wanted to say, I called Blaine. He answered the phone on the first ring. "Hello, Kurt?" he said.

"Yeah it's me. I need to talk to you. Meet me in Central Park at 9 tonight where you broke my heart." Then I hung up without waiting for a reply. Yeah, very immature right? No, I just didn't want to cry on the phone. Just hearing his voice made me realize how much I missed him and how much I loved hearing his voice. The reason I was so upset over this breakup was because I loved him so intensely. I could never be his friend because I would always remember how it felt to be held by him and kissed with his soft lips. I couldn't pretend that I didn't miss that. It would be hard enough to see him again and talk to him and I knew that if I was going to heal and move on from this relationship that I couldn't see him again, or the feeling would only come back.

He was there at 9 by the fountain where he told me he didn't love me. I felt the tears already coming but I held them back for now. "I just need to say a few things and then I'll be out of your life for good. I hate you for what you did to me. I loved you so much and hearing you tell me that you hadn't loved me for a long time felt like a knife in my heart. I can't believe that you didn't tell me before that you felt this way. I would have changed for you!"

By now, my voice was rising in volume and tears trickled down my face, but I pressed on. "I thought you were able to share anything with me and tell me when you had a problem with our relationship. I wish you had told me when you started having doubts so that I had a chance to change. I know I was busy, but you didn't even give me a change to make it better. And I didn't know anything was wrong! You know I can get self-absorbed and that sometimes I need a reminder that I'm being selfish."

"I don't think I should have had to remind you that I was important to you," Blaine interjected.

"Shut up!" I spat at him. "I'm not done yet. I hardly got any warning that you didn't want to be with me anymore. It's wasn't fair of you to put me through that and I hate your guts because of it." At this point, I hesitated because of what I was about to say, but I wanted him to feel as miserable as I could so I decided that I would just say it. I went from shouting to whispering the next part. "The worst part is that I still love you and I miss you like hell." I found a bench and sat down with my head in my hands. I didn't want to see his reactions and I didn't want him to see my face as I broke down into sobs. "I miss you so much but I don't want to anymore. I hate feeling like this and I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep and blaming myself. And it seems like you're completely over me, so why can't I be over you?"

I peeked a glance at him and found that he wasn't even teary eyed. He was stoic, like seeing me cry didn't affect him at all. So he really was over me. He didn't feel a thing during this breakup and knowing that he wasn't hurting made me feel worse. I hated him and I wanted him to suffer as much as me. But there he was, sitting on the opposite side of the bench, without a tear on his cheek or a sympathetic look.

"Kurt, I really am so sorry that I hurt you, but I felt this way when you kept ignoring me. I wish I had told you then, but I was afraid that bringing up the topic would lead to an immediate breakup."

"You should have told me anyway," I said wearily. "I guess that was all I wanted to say. I'm leaving now." I got up and turned away. I didn't look back and Blaine didn't ask me to wait or try to walk with me. He just let me go. He let our love go. He didn't fight for our relationship and because of that, I convinced myself that I was better off without him. For the next few months, I tried to recover. I purged my phone, computer and Facebook of all his pictures and anything that reminded me of him. When I walked the streets of New York and I thought I saw him, my heart would stop and then race. It was usually a false alarm, but once I did see him. He waved to me with a broad smile on his face like nothing had ever happened between us. I looked away and refused to return the wave.

In the daytime, I would feel empowered to live my life better without Blaine, but at night, everything changed. I felt regret and extreme sadness because I missed Blaine. In those moments, I would have done anything to get him back. I often imagined him coming crawling back to me, begging for forgiveness, begging for me to take him back, but it never happened. Eventually I learned to live without him. And now I feel ok. Hardly ever good or great, but at least I don't cry myself to sleep anymore.

Next time, I'm going to find someone worth my time who will love and cherish me, not dump me out of thin air. I don't need a man in my life, especially not Blaine. I'm doing fine on my own. If I just keep telling myself that, maybe I'll start to believe it. I'm doing fine on my own. I'm doing fine on my own. I'm doing fine on my own…

Hey people! This was just a little drabble of the emotions going on inside of me. It's mostly based on my recent break up XP Hope you all enjoyed it! Please review because reviews are love! Imma needing some feedback XD Thanks guys!


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